7 Tips to Overcoming Prenup Paralysis
By Kirby Rosplock, PhD, Director, Research & Development

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Does the thought of talking to your fiancé about getting a prenuptial agreement make you anxious and uncomfortable? Perhaps you are getting engaged and want to bring up the topic with your spouse-to-be, but fearful that it may put the brakes on your relationship? Do you wish there were some suggestions on how to handle "Prenup Paralysis," the condition experienced by soon-to-be-weds at the thought of talking about prenuptial agreements? If the answer is yes, below are 7 tips that might help you as you consider the best way to reach out to a loved one on this difficult topic.

1. Know the facts first

If you are a first-timer to the prenuptial conversation, be reassured that your apprehension around talking about a prenuptial agreement is normal and to be expected. It is alright to embrace that you are not an "expert" on the topic, but be sure to reach out to your estate planning attorney and/or legal counsel to understand how prenuptial agreements work in the state you live or in the state where you may reside after marriage. Further, your attorney can provide you with a better understanding of what is needed for it to be enforceable and valid and the advanced timing to consider before approaching your fiancé. There are five basic rules of thumb for a prenuptial agreement to be enforceable:

• The agreement must be in writing.
• The agreement must be executed voluntarily, not under duress.
• The agreement must make full and fair disclosure of all financial information at the time of execution.
• The agreement must be fair and cannot be unconscionable.
• The agreement must be executed by both parties before a notary public.

In addition, it is advisable, though not required, that each party to a prenuptial agreement is represented by their own independent counsel and that the document is signed well in advance of the wedding day. Getting the facts ahead of time will allow you to provide some basic insights to the unique legal aspects of prenuptial agreements when you are communicating with your loved one.

2. Bring up a prenuptial agreement as part of broader planning

There is a fallacy that prenuptial agreements are something taboo or not to be discussed until the occasion arises. On the contrary, it is important to understand the purpose and uses of prenuptial agreements in the context of other legal planning tools and provisions, particularly as it relates to estate planning. For those who have created or inherited wealth, talking about the importance of how the wealth was created, what you are actively doing to manage and sustain it and what the wealth transfer terms were if you inherited it can help position a prenuptial agreement as part of a larger plan. Some families may discuss prenuptials as an informal family policy that is part of their wealth transfer planning and that such an agreement is expected for all family members who stand to inherit or who have amassed personal wealth. In other words, it's not personal; rather, it is one of the many responsibilities of having wealth.

3. Find a neutral time and place for these conversations

There is a misconception that you only have one conversation around a prenuptial agreement and then you are finished. Again, this is misleading, as likely you will have several conversations with your spouse-to-be, and it is helpful to set aside dedicated time, in a neutral place (a.k.a. not your parent's home, or during a family celebration) to discuss more of the particulars. Prior to your conversations, find some time privately to collect your thoughts and write down the key points that you want to express during these conversations. A warning to the wise, if you think bringing an actual prenuptial agreement to your first meeting with a fiancé is the solution, you may be disappointed. Presenting a prenuptial agreement document before you have had an opportunity to discuss it conceptually may be construed as being "forced" or "mandated" to sign one and could certainly cause a rift in the relationship. Wait until there is a certain level of comfort around the topic before getting attorneys involved and drafting documents.